Saturday, April 7, 2012
30 Day Challenge-Day 7 The Day M Left For BOLC
It didn't help that most of the time before he left was spent working on our house. It felt like we didn't spend any time together, even though I spent all of my extra time at the house with him. But it's not the same. I know I wasn't the easiest to be around in those last couple days. I cried at the drop of a hat. I remember, the day he left I had to go to work, which looking back was a good thing that I had to say good bye in the morning before work instead of being here when he actually left and dragging it out and making a huge scene. But at the time I hated it. I hated that I had to leave before he did and miss that time with him. He was driving up to Ft. Leonardwood and was planning on driving straight through if he could. I remember the feeling I had when I walked into the house that day after work. My stomach sank when I pulled into our driveway and his truck wasn't there. Then I walked into our house and into our bathroom and all of his stuff was gone. I just lost it at that point. I had never felt so alone as I did at that moment. I think I sat in our living room, which wasn't fully unpacked, and just stared into space, not knowing what to do next. Knowing he wasn't coming home in a week or so just made everything worse.
It was rough on me this time apart. I didn't do a good job of keeping myself busy and I didn't go out with my friends hardly at all, like I should have. At one point M had to tell me he would stop calling so much if I couldn't stop crying on the phone. That's when I realized I needed to be supportive and realized this wasn't easy on him either. That it was time to put on my big girl panties and do what needed to be done. The other reason I hated him being gone at this time, was he was missing some big milestones in Little L's life. He missed him starting to walk (he got to see it on video, but it's not the same), he missed his 1st birthday and all of the other changes that happened.
But the day he left was I think one of the worst days (D-Day of course beats it) I ever had. I know many spouses spend months at a time without their husbands at home and they must take care of the house and the kids, but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it. I was afraid that I wouldn't be a good enough mother to Little L and M would be disappointed in me. I was afraid that the time apart would show him he didn't want to be with me. We thankfully all survived and I learned a lot from this experience. I learned that while I feel that I need him, I need him in my life, I can handle the house and the kids on my own. I learned, and am still learning, how to communicate so that our marriage grows even when he isn't here. I also learned that I can be strong for my soldier and support him.
But I will never forget that feeling when I came home and realized he was gone. That feeling will forever be imprinted in my brain.
I hope you enjoyed this memory, even though it's kind of a downer :)