I remember when I was in college and I would get overwhelmed I would tell my mom I wish I could just go back to being 10. I felt that was the perfect age. Old enough to do somethings, but really have no responsibilities. Today and for the past week, I really feel that way again. This makes me sad, for one because my life really isn't that bad, just a LOT has happened recently and it's getting me down, and two I know others have it worse. It makes me feel like a horrible person.
I guess I should explain a little more. I just turned 30, that isn't what is really bothering me. For the past week I have felt like my husband doesn't like me anymore. That he really doesn't want to be around me. I know part of it is his back is bothering him again and I believe he is struggling mentally with his PTSD again, but refuses to talk to someone about it or to bring me in on anything that he is thinking or feeling. When I brought this feeling up to him, he pretty much turned it around on me saying I haven't done anything to change it and that I was attacking him. Yup, thank you for making me want to share my feeling with you. He gets made when I don't share things, but when I do he seems to find a way to turn them around and make me feel they are my fault. I cannot help the way I feel. All I wanted was for him to tell me he still likes me and loves me and give me a hug. That is not what I got.
Friday I found out some news that really did not make me happy. Now before I tell you my news, please don't judge me, please if you have mean comments, keep them to yourself. I found out I was pregnant. I don't want to be pregnant again. We had decided on two kids and we are happy with our two. I know many people try YEARS to get pregnant and here I am taking the pill religiously every day and it still happens and I am not happy about it. I thought I was done with this. Why does this have to happen? I don't want this kid to be resented and that is what I am afraid will happen. That is not fair to the child, but it is how I feel.
Also this weekend, my husband and I went to a gun show. I was excited to go with him. We got there and ran into his uncle. It didn't take more than 5 minutes and I was handed the kids and him and his uncle walked off and left me. They walked around, completely ignoring me. When I talked to my husband about it later that night and told him how I felt like he didn't care if I was even there, he told me he looked for me and saw I was outside but didn't mention going out there so he figured fine, she can just wait. Lovely huh? I had the kids and due to the crowding was not able to keep up with them. Not once did he actually look around for me. I'm sure he noticed I wasn't around when he found the gun he wanted to buy and wanted to ask me about it. Why should I be ignored just because his uncle is around? This isn't the first time. He does this any time his uncle is around. Those two have a conversation and never once try to bring me into it, and if I try and offer anything to the conversation, I am ignored and left to deal with the kids.
Why must I feel like this? Why should I have to feel like my husband doesn't even want to be around me? This is fair. Yes I know life isn't fair, but come on. One of the main things I always felt pride in was that my husband liked me and liked to spend time with me. Now, I feel like he couldn't care less about me.
Why is life so unfair?
On top of everything else. We got pulled over last night and given tickets for not wearing our seat belts when we both were!!!!! I ALWAYS wear my seat belt, always and this cop supposedly said he saw mine wasn't on, which is funny because mine is always on. My husband is a large guy, there is NO WAY the cop who never got in front of us or far enough ahead of us to see me, saw me with my seat belt. If he did he would have seen it was on. Then when we tried to talk to him about it, he got all pissy. So we called to file a complaint and pretty much was told by the supervisor that he wouldn't do anything. So, now I have to take another day off of work and fight this crap of a ticket because I'm not just paying the fine. I would have if I was in the wrong, but I wasn't and it pisses me off that he was so rude. I also want to see if there is a way to file a complaint about his professionalism with the county. There has to be. I hate seeing tax dollars wasted by someone who thinks they can throw around their power like this. This is also the same police department that got sued over the death of a women that was taken from her home, someone called in about it seeing the girl in the backseat of the guys car and the the police did nothing about it! Great set of police officers if you ask me.
Why can't life be fair?
I try so hard to do my best and to live my life the best way I can and why is it the nice people and the people who are doing what they should are the ones who get screwed?
Sorry this was such a down post. I just needed to get this off my chest before it ate me alive.
Thank goodness for the health of my kids and the fact they are so well behaved. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, it's just hard to find the the silver lining right now.